The easiest way to tell your parents about self-harm is to plan it first: pick a calm moment, use the actual words "self-harm," tell them what you need, and ask them to help you find a therapist. It doesn't have to go perfectly. It's the first conversation, not the only one. If you’re not safe right now, call or text 988.
You want your parents to know. Maybe you're tired of hiding it, or you want help and you know you can't get it without them. That's a very brave place to be.
And yet it makes sense that it feels scary. You don't know how they'll react.
Here's how to tell your parents about self-harm in a way that gives the conversation its best shot.
Prefer to watch? The video above walks through all of this. Prefer to read? Keep going.
Prepare before you talk to your parents
You don't want to go into this conversation hot or scared. Get clear on what you want to say, and maybe write it down.
Then get yourself as calm as you reasonably can. Take some deep breaths, use a coping strategy that works for you, or listen to a short meditation first. Pick a time when nobody's rushing out the door.
Be clear: use the words "self-harm"
Don't be afraid of the actual words. When you're vague or wishy-washy, your parents fill in the blanks with their imagination, and that usually makes things worse.
Your parents love you, which means they've probably been picturing worst-case scenarios since the day you showed up in their lives. Being clear gives them the real picture instead.
What to say to your parents (if you don't know where to start)
You don't need a speech. Something like this works:
"I need to tell you something hard. I've been hurting myself when my feelings get really big, and I want help to stop."
"I'm not telling you this so you'll panic. I'm telling you because I want you on my side."
"What would help most right now is if you could listen first, and then help me find a therapist."
Show them what's going on, including your scars
As you talk about when it started and how it's been going, let them see the real picture. That can mean showing them any scars or marks, and telling them what you've been using and where it's kept, so you can work out together how to make home feel safer.
Once it's out in the open, it gets so much easier to talk about what comes next. If you've been wondering whether to keep your scars covered at school or around friends, I wrote a whole post on whether you should cover your self-harm scars.
Telling your parents doesn't make the urges disappear. But it means that when you're exhausted, or you feel like you don't care anymore, they can step in and help.
Be kind to yourself and to your parents
You may have been carrying this for a while. For your parents, it's brand-new information, so their first reaction might not be their best one.
Keep talking. Keep showing up. This is a process, not a one-and-done conversation, and there will be bumps for both of you.
What if my parents react badly?
A pattern I see a lot: a parent's first reaction is shock, tears, or even anger, and a day or two later they come back calmer and ready to help. A rough first reaction usually means they're scared, not that they don't care.
If things get heated, it's okay to say, "Can we take a break and talk again tonight?" And if you don't feel safe at home, tell a school counselor or another trusted adult right away.
Ask your parents for help finding a therapist
Use this conversation to ask for what you need. Tell your parents what helps and what doesn't, and if you're not already seeing a therapist, ask them to help you find one. We literally specialize in this stuff.
As a DBT-informed teen therapist, I can tell you that self-harm is something therapy helps with, and you don't have to figure it out alone.
Self-soothe before and after the conversation
People who self-harm often use physical sensation to get relief from big emotions. Self-soothing gives your body that relief in a way that takes care of you.
Plan something soothing for right after you talk: a warm shower, a weighted blanket, your favorite comfort show. You can find more self-soothing ideas here.
If saying it out loud feels impossible
You can still tell them. Some teens write a letter or send a text first, then talk in person once it's out there. Others ask a school counselor to sit in on the conversation.
Any of those count. The goal is for your parents to know, not for you to do it the hardest way.
You can even send them this post. There’s a section at the bottom just for them.
Keep going: progress is a spiral, not a straight line
We're not looking for perfection here. We're looking for progress, and progress usually loops back before it moves forward. Learning how to tell your parents about self-harm is a huge first step.
Questions teens ask about telling their parents
Should I tell my parents I self-harm?
If you can, yes. Parents can get you to a therapist, help make home safer, and support you on hard days. If home doesn't feel safe, tell a school counselor or another trusted adult instead.
How do I tell my parents about my scars?
Tell them first. Something like “I’ve been self-harming, and some of it left scars” gives them a moment to take it in. Then show them, so they can make sure nothing needs medical attention.
Will my parents be mad?
They might be upset at first. Most of the time that's fear talking. Give them a little time, and come back to the conversation.
Can a therapist tell my parents about my self-harm?
It depends on your age, your state, and your safety. Many therapists will talk with you first about what gets shared and why. Ask about confidentiality at your first appointment. In my practice, I include teens in deciding how and when their parents find out, and I help them prepare for how their parents might respond.
Tell me in the comments
Did this help? Tell me in the comments over on the YouTube video. And if you know someone who needs this, share it. You never know who you could be helping.
If you're in crisis right now: call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). Both are free and open 24/7 in the US. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
Parents: if your teen sent you this
First, take a breath- this is a good thing. Your teen telling you about self-harm, or letting you find this means some part of them trusts you and wants your support.
Saying “Thank you for telling me” is the perfect first step. You don’t need the right words or a plan yet. Right now, your calm matters more than anything you say.
What helps in the first few days
Check on their body first. Gently ask if any wounds need medical care. Ask to see the area they self-harmed. If you’re not sure, call their pediatrician or go to urgent care. If a wound is deep, won’t stop bleeding, or they’ve taken something, go to the ER or call 911.
Ask directly about suicide. “Are you having thoughts of killing yourself?” Asking won’t put the idea in their head, and their answer tells you how urgent this is. If the answer is yes, or you’re unsure, call or text 988 together.
Make home safer, together. Lock up medications and anything sharp they’ve been using. Frame it as support, not punishment. This is not meant to be a forever solution, just until everyone in the home feels safer with them being accessible again.
Skip the ultimatums. Self-harm is usually a way of coping with emotions that feel too big, not attention-seeking. Promising to stop won’t make the urges go away. Learning new coping strategies will help them to respond healthier with the urges, without needing to take action over time.
Get support for you, too. It’s normal to feel scared, sad, or even angry. Take care of yourself so you can keep showing up for them.
How I can help
My name is Mallory Grimste, and I’m a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) who works with kids, teens, and young adults. I use a DBT-informed approach, which was built to help people manage intense emotions and self-harm urges.
My practice is non-shaming, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and Health at Every Size-informed. I see clients in person in Branford, CT, and by telehealth anywhere in Connecticut and New York.
I’m an out-of-network provider. You pay me directly, and I give you a superbill to submit to your insurance for possible reimbursement (kinda like a rebate, but for mental health therapy). My free out-of-network guide walks you through it.
Here’s how to get started:
Fill out the counseling application.
A member of my team will reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone screening.
If it feels like a good fit, your teen’s first session is a Client Assessment with me.
When you’re ready, fill out the counseling application here.
💛 Mallory
PS: Looking for calming things to try between now and then? My Self-Care Bundle has meditations and coping ahead plans that work alongside therapy.
