SCHOOL STRUGGLES?? How to Ask Your Teacher for Help in 2022

Mental Health struggles can often spill over into school struggles, so it's super important to know how to ask your teacher for help.

In this video post, you'll learn how to use the Interpersonal Effectiveness strategy called DEAR MAN to ask your teacher for help.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

What is DEAR MAN?

The DEAR MAN strategy comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is one of my favorite therapy models to use with teenagers for a variety of reasons.

DEAR MAN is all about asking for what you want more effectively.

Now, again, this is not a 100% guarantee. If it's still a no after using this strategy, it probably is always gonna be a no. A few videos back, I did a deeper dive into the different components of DEAR MAN, so I'm not gonna go into that in this video post, but you can definitely go back and check that out here: https://youtu.be/eEr-27NzP1s

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

How to Use DEAR MAN to ask your teacher for help

DEAR, if you remember, is all about what to say, and MAN is how you say it. So we're going to work backward a little bit on this one, and we're gonna go back to the MAN part.

M = Mindful

So you wanna make sure that you are prepared. Is this a good time for you? Is this a good time for your teacher? Probably in the middle of a test is not the time to ask your teacher for an extension.

If you know that something is coming up ahead of time, reaching out to your teacher before it happens is going to be way more impactful and helpful for them too. They'll have a little more time to help you plan and prepare and potentially adjust what needs to happen.

Sometimes another thing to keep in mind is that it's not always the teacher's decision on how things go. They might need some time to ask a request from their department head or the school principal to make sure that they can give you what you need.

And you already know, you gotta use those Coping Skills. I am all about using them to plan ahead before, during, and after you put your requests out there, 'cause when you are asking somebody for help, it can feel really emotionally vulnerable.

It's really important you have your coping strategies ready to go. Maybe some deep breathing, making sure that you have something to fidget with, whatever it is that you need to get through that conversation.

A = Appear confident

Taking the time to practice what you want to ask, or maybe even writing it out, can help you feel and appear confident in your request. You reading this video post is already gonna help with that because you're gonna have a game plan in place. This will help you feel more confident in yourself and your request to the teacher that you're asking for help with.

N = Negotiate

So remember when I said that sometimes it's not entirely the teacher's choice or decision, they might have to get permission from somebody first? Being willing to flex and negotiate with what the teacher can provide or do for you.

• Maybe they can't let you totally retake the test, but they can offer you some extra credit.

• Maybe they can't offer you some extra credit, but they can offer you a two-day extension.

Be flexible and be willing to work with them, and they will be willing to extend the same to you as well.



So How Do You Ask Your Teacher For Help in School?

You’ll use DEAR for what you're going to say:

1. Describe the situation

2. Express your thoughts and opinions

3. Ask for it

4. Reward the other person

I would keep it to one to two lines in each section. You don't have to go all over with this. Honestly. less is more here because they can really focus on your requests.

Let's say that the help that you're asking for is an extension for a project or a paper that's due in two days. You know that you have not been sleeping well. You've been dealing with a lot of family troubles, and it's really impacted your ability to concentrate and to get this assignment done and still take care of your self-care needs and mental health.

Asking for an extension makes sense.

So it's up to you if you wanna share specifics about your situation. I tend to err on the side of a need-to-know basis. Sometimes when we overshare with our teachers or our bosses or colleagues or whoever boundaries can get crossed a little bit. So it's up to you, if you think it would be useful and helpful for them to understand what's going on with you in terms of your home life or your mental health, that's quite all right, but I would err on the side of caution and keep it strictly to the situation at hand.

To describe the situation, you might say,

"I know that the end of the quarter is coming out this week and that you have a project due on Friday. Lately, I've been having a really difficult time concentrating and being able to focus to get my work done."

That's perfect, it's direct, it's kind, it's clear. And you've offered some facts to support the situation. You can't argue that you've had a difficult time concentrating. You can't argue that the end of the quarter is coming up. You can't argue that this project is due and you both are aware of the due date.

So a way that you could potentially express your thoughts and opinions on this is to say:

"I find education really valuable and important. It feels really important to me that I get a good grade in your class. And I wanna turn in quality work to you. However, because I've been so stressed out lately, I've had a hard time navigating how to manage my stress and keep up with my school assignments." 

Then you wanna go for the big kahunas, and you wanna ask for it. In this case, it's asking for an extension. You might wanna, for this one, go back and acknowledge:

"I know that this assignment is due on Friday. I'm wondering if you would consider or if you'd be able to allow me an extension, can I turn it in on Monday for full credit?"

Then you can reward the other person. Now, remember, you wanna think about it from the teacher's perspective.

Why would allowing you as their student make sense to turn in work late and still get full credit when the rest of the students are having to turn it in on time?

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

Please don't say, oh, it's because I'm a very likable student. I'm sure that you are, but that's probably not gonna be a great case for this.

When you think about it, why would this teacher probably has set aside the weekend for grading these papers, and now they're gonna have to wait to grade yours another few days. What is in it for them to be able to do that?

You might say,

"This would you give me enough time to turn in a really quality good project here so that you know that I am taking in your lessons appropriately."

Teachers love a student that takes responsibility, and they love a student that wants to turn in good work.

So if you can think about it from your teacher's perspective about what's in it for them to go out of their way, to be flexible with you, that'll help in this situation as well.

What if it doesn’t work!?

So it's totally possible that even having this game plan in place, you're still feeling really anxious and having trouble telling your teacher about your anxiety.

I've got a great video that can help you out with that, right over here: https://youtu.be/ICmUTZKqC3w

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Want a Date in 2022? Use this psychology strategy

The year is 2022 and you have spent the last three years in a worldwide pandemic and you are ready to ask your crush out for a date.

But before you do that, I want you to play a little game with me…

Close your eyes and imagine your crush is right in front of you. Envision and imagine that you are asking them out and that they're saying yes.

💛 How do you feel?

💛 Where in your body do you notice that?

💛 Are you feeling nervous, excited, scared, happy?

💛 What is going on for you?

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

As you already know anxiety is just letting you know that something new or different or potentially dangerous is about to happen. So you just want to proceed with caution because when it comes to confessing your feelings to somebody and asking them out on a date, that's probably one of the most anxiety-provoking, vulnerable experiences that you can put out there.

It makes total sense if you're feeling nervous. It can feel wildly uncomfortable to think about asking your crush on a date but if you want a date in 2022, someone's gotta make a move.

That's why in this video post, you’ll learn how to use a strategy from psychology called DEAR MAN to ask your crush on a date.

What is DEAR MAN?

It's a strategy that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy used to effectively ask for what you want from others.

Now, just a gentle reminder: This strategy is not a 100% guarantee.

If you want more of a deep dive into the DEAR MAN strategy, you can watch my video from last week about how to ask for help here: https://youtu.be/eEr-27NzP1s

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

How to use DEAR MAN to ask for a Date

Remember DEAR is all about what you say, and MAN is about how you say it. So we're gonna back up for a moment and we're actually gonna do this in reverse.

Usually, I go over DEAR first and then MAN. But in this post, we're gonna start with MAN first.

M= Mindful

You want to make sure that this is a good time for you and for the other person to have this conversation. If you have never had a conversation with them in the middle of lunch, going up to them in the middle of the lunchroom, with everybody looking at you, is probably going to make you more nervous. So that might not be the ideal situation.

That said, another way that you could do that is to perhaps message them on social media if you have their information, or if you don't in person when you see them ask if they can talk to you separately and let them know that like you're not mad at them, they're not in trouble. You just had a question for them.

The other thing to keep in mind with this is you want to use your coping skills. Y'all know I love those coping strategies. They're all about helping you hang in there through an intense, uncomfortable, emotional experience so that you can then get through to a more manageable level. So by staying level, by using your coping strategies before, during, and after this conversation is going to really help to reregulate all these emotions that are going through you.

Remember we talked about how you might be feeling a little excited, a little nervous, a little anxious. That's because excitement and nervousness actually light up the same area of the brain. So your brain is getting mixed signals a little bit with this 'cause it's not really sure how to feel about it yet until you get a response.

Prepare and plan ahead with your Coping Strategies.

If you are wanting more of a deeper dive into coping skills, I have a ton of videos on them, but you can also sign up for the Coping Skills Crash Course.

It’s getting a MAJOR upgrade right now!!

In fact, when I filmed the video for this post, I also filmed some new videos for that program too so you might see me in the same outfit.

A= Appear confident

Practice what you want to say. Watching this video is going to help build your self-esteem and confidence in having this conversation and putting out that request because you're going to be prepared.

When we can practice and potentially even write out what it is that we want to say and plan it out ahead of time our brain thinks that we've already had that conversation so it's nothing new or unfamiliar.

The fact that you've already practiced it tells your brain like “oh, we've already been here. We've already done this before. So we don't have to sound the alarm on the anxiety that loud anymore.”

Try it out, practice it, write it down. You can even bring it with you to the conversation or have it ready to go in your notes app, that way you can just copy and paste it if you're gonna be doing this on social media or in a direct text message.

N= Negotiate

In terms of negotiating, when it comes to asking for a date, there's not really too much room for negotiation here, but you just want to make sure to offer options.

Maybe they can't go on a date with you this week, but next week is better. So it might be worth offering one or two activities or times or dates that might work for you.

And if they say no to those, you can then potentially, based on your own comfort here, ask them if another day or another activity might be good for them or if they just don't want to date you in general. 

I know it can feel like, “oof, knife to the heart,” but at least you will have your answer. And then you can release, heal, and let go and get ready to ask your next crush out because there will always be a next crush, trust me.

So let's get into how to actually ask them out.

You’ll use DEAR for what you're going to say:

1. Describe the situation

2. Express your thoughts and opinions

3. Ask for it

4. Reward the other person

In each of those areas I want you to just write a line down particular to your situation.

As an example, I'm gonna walk through a made-up scenario. This is not specific to anybody in particular or any situation in particular. Though it's probably gonna feel very familiar 'cause I think we've all been here at some point in our lives or most of us. And if not, it will come.

To describe the situation you might want to say

“You and I have been friends for a while and I really enjoy hanging out with you.”

Beautiful. You've already described that you guys have been friends for awhile and you've already kind of delved into express a little bit about how you feel about being friends with them. 

Next up you want to express your thoughts and opinions.

This is your chance and opportunity to speak from an "I" perspective, using those "I feel" statements to let the other person know how the situation is leading to your request.

So how does being good friends with somebody and enjoying spending time with them lead to you wanting to ask them out on a date? This will also help them understand and potentially get to that same conclusion too.

So for this section you might wanna say,

“I feel really good and close with you when we spend time together and I think we would be a really great romantic match.”

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

Then you've got to ask for it.

Remember clear is kind. Be clear, be direct, be kind. If you are ambiguous or a little loosey-goosey here, it leaves it way open for misinterpretation and confusion.

Maybe they're thinking that somebody else wants to ask them out on a date and it's not you. Or maybe they're thinking you're just having a theoretical conversation.

So you want to be very clear:

“I am asking you on a date with me.”

Got it? I may not say it exactly like that. That might be a little aggressive, maybe a little too direct.

A different way of asking that would be

“Would you like to get pizza with me on Friday night?”

Clear, kind, direct.

You might also need to clarify this would be a date.

When I was in college I ended up on a date that I didn’t realize was a date because my friend wasn’t clear they weren’t just asking for a regular hang-out. I didn't realize until the end of the movie when we went out to eat afterward that it was a date.

I was thrilled about it being a date, by the way, this is somebody who I definitely had a crush on at the time, but they were not clear or direct in that their asking me out was for a date and not just a usual friendship hangout.

So when you are asking your crush out make sure that they understand and know that it's a date too so you don't have some weird awkwardness, like “oh, we're on a date right now.”

Okay, and then R is rewarding the other person.

Now of course we all know that anybody who would accept a date with you is already a lucky individual. I mean who wouldn't want to go on a date with you, right? But you've got to make your case about why potentially going on a date with you and spending time to consider dating you would make sense for this person.

So something simple that you can say here is

“I think it would be really nice if we at least try one date and see where it goes, we can take it slow. There's no pressure. And if for some reason it feels weird, awkward, I'm totally open to being friends with you too.”

Now again, don't say anything that you don't mean. If you don't actually mean that you would want to stay friends with somebody, it would be too hurtful or painful, don't say that. Be clear, be direct, be kind. I don't know if I've said that before, but I'm just gonna say it one more time. Be clear, direct, kind.

What if it doesn’t work!?

It's totally possible that you have laid out your best case:

✅ You have described the situation.

✅ You have stayed mindful.

✅ You have appeared confident.

✅ You have expressed your thoughts and opinions. 

✅ You've asked for it.

✅ You've been willing to negotiate.

✅ You have offered a reward to the other person.

It's still possible that they may say no.

It may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps they've already expressed interest or have feelings for another individual. It may be that they really aren't willing to risk your friendship at this time. It could be totally new information and they might need time to kind of process what you've just told them. All of that is fine.

And if you are struggling with that, I really recommend that you delve into how to be alone. Maybe indulge in some really nice self-care. There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with being rejected.

You did an awesome thing by putting yourself out there and now you know the outcome.

You don't have to stress about worrying about what if or what if not, you already know. That's good information for you. And then you can start the healing process so that you can get ready for your next big love.

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

How to Ask for Help when you're a teenager

Knowing how to ask for help when you're a teenager is a highly valuable life skill.

I get asked about this all the time and I'm often met with concerns like:

• "It doesn't matter"

• "They won't take me seriously"

• "They're going to say no anyway"

• "I'll just wait until I'm 18"

But I'm here to let you know that you DON'T actually have to wait.

You can learn how to ask for help right now!

This strategy from DBT called DEAR MAN can help you effectively ask for what you want.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

Gentle Reminders

Now, this is not a 100% guarantee, so I want you to just take a moment and manage your expectations.

→ Make it reasonable: You wanna make sure that what you're asking for and who you're asking for it from is reasonable. For example, if I'm wanting to sleep over for a weekend at my friend's house, but every time that I've gone over there, I've managed to get into trouble, it's probably unlikely that your parents are just going to automatically say, "Yeah, no problem, free pass!"

You wanna make sure that you are building up trustworthiness by matching your behaviors to the words that you're saying.

→ Bite-sized pieces: I often talk about how building trustworthiness or intimacy in a friendship or relationship of any capacity is kind of like climbing a ladder. In order to get to the top of that ladder, whether you're trying to get to the second floor or to a high shelf, you have to take it one step at a time.

You might be able to take it two steps at a time, potentially three steps, if you have really long limbs, but most of us are meant to take ladders one step at a time to reach our final destination.

It takes a little more time and effort to build that stamina and increase your height on the ladder. It's really easy to slip and fall, and then you've got to rebuild again.

Breaking your request into bite-size pieces might make a little more sense rather than going for the big kahuna right from the get-go.

→ Write it out: Y'all know I'm all about being clear. Clear is kind. If you're not clear on what it is that you're asking for or what it is that you want the outcome to be, it's gonna be really difficult to speak and articulate that.

Also, when you write it out, sometimes you can actually write it in letter form and physically give it to the person that you're asking this request from. Whether it's an actual pen and paper letter or you're typing an email, that can be useful so that if they're caught off-guard and perhaps they're having an emotional reaction at first, they can take that letter or that email or that text message or whatever, and reflect on it later when they're not as in an intense emotional state of mind, so they can actually view it a little more clearheaded.

→ Use your coping skills: Asking for help can be a really anxiety-provoking situation for you doing the asking, but also the person that you are asking something from.

You wanna make sure that you're in a well enough regulated state before, during, and after this conversation.

That way, if you do start to feel yourself becoming physically or emotionally dysregulated or overwhelmed, or what we call flooded, you have some coping strategies to pull yourself back in and get back down to a more manageable level.

Now, you don't wanna necessarily use your coping skills to entirely turn off your emotional experience. Emotions are great. We need them to emphasize and help other people understand us and the importance of what it is that we're trying to communicate. But you do need them to be manageable. You don't wanna be all emotion coming at you.

→ Take a break: Don't forget that you can absolutely take a break if you need to. There's nothing that says that you have to continue and have the full conversation in one go. If it's not going well, abort. Get out of there, retreat. Come back another time.

There's nothing to say that you have to pursue and push forward. It's a very good thing to pause and take a break and regroup and come back at a later time when it's convenient and good for both of you.

And then if it is still a no after you use this strategy, keep in mind that it probably was always going to be a no and you might have to go back to that first point and just manage your expectations.

Let's get into the DEAR MAN strategy…

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

DEAR MAN

The DEAR part of DEAR MAN, or the D-E-A-R part, is all about what you're going to say when you're making this request from somebody. And the MAN part, or the M-A-N, is all about how you're going to ask this of the person.

Keep in mind that you can use this strategy for a multitude of requests and situations:

→ You can use it to say no.

→ You can use it to ask your crush out on a date.

→ You can use it to ask your teachers for help.

→ You can use it to ask your parents for therapy.

The list goes on and on and on…

I highly recommend as we go over this that you jot some notes down, because you're probably gonna wanna follow along with this video, and if you need to pause and rewind and come back, that's okay, too.

Describe the situation

A lot of people wanna give a total background and a lot of factual information here. Facts are good, but you just wanna be short, sweet, and to the point.

What is the actual situation?

You wanna set the scene for what it is that you're about to ask for. You wanna be clear, you wanna be direct, you wanna be kind.

Express your thoughts and opinions

This is where you start to share your own experience. I highly recommend that you talk from an "I perspective" not a "you perspective." So, talk about how you as an individual, or an “I,” are experiencing this situation.

How is it impacting the way you think, the way you feel, your desires?

This is also an excellent time to use those "I feel" statements:

→ "I feel..." the emotion

→ "when..." the situation or the behavioral description

→ "because I think..." what is the meaning or interpretation that you're putting on that situation that's making you feel that way about it?

This gives a little more context and information about why this request is important to you.

Ask for it

This is pretty simple and straightforward.

You gotta ask for it!

You've gotta ask for the help.

You've gotta say the no.

You've gotta put that request out there.

Just again, be clear, direct, kind.

Reward the other person

Oftentimes, if we don't really know what's in it for us, we're not as apt to oblige to a request.

This is the part where I see a lot of teenagers struggle and get this wrong because this is the part where they are thinking from their own perspective about what would convince them to say yes to themselves.

You've already managed that. You already know what it is that you want from the other person and why it would benefit you.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

You've gotta think about it from the other person's perspective…

Why would they go out of their way to give you what you're asking for?

How does it benefit them?

If you can see from their perspective how it's a win-win for both of you, they're more likely to give you what you're asking for.

Okay, so MAN, if you remember, is all about how to ask for this:

Mindful of yourself and others

You wanna be aware if this is a good time for you. And is this a good time for them, too?

Prepare and cope ahead with those Coping Strategies as we talked about.

You wanna make sure that you're in a good, regulated state of mind physical status, and emotional state for this conversation.

Appear confident

If you are showing up with poor eye contact, poor body posture, unsure of yourself, it's gonna be hard for people to take your requests seriously even if it's really important to you.

Now, I get it. As a therapist who works with people who are shy, introverted, potentially depressed, or anxious, it can make it really difficult to appear confident when something is important to you.

So, maybe practicing a little bit, either in your head, we call that scripting, or practicing talking to yourself in the mirror, something that just gets you in the zone for that. And if that's still really difficult, put it in a letter.

Negotiate

This is really one of the most important parts of this, and that is being willing to negotiate.

Of course, you want an absolute 100%, "Yes, I will give you exactly what you're asking for." But maybe they're not in a position where they have the time, resources, or energy to say yes 100%.

Stay open and flexible to other options.

Maybe have a few other options of backup to propose at this point. This is going to be really useful and helpful to you as well.

Remember how we talked about breaking this into bite-size pieces? This might be a situation where you might not be able to get everything that you're asking for, but maybe you can take a step towards getting everything that you're asking for.

And if you're really getting stuck or at this standpoint where they're saying, "No, I can't do that," and you're like, "Please, I need you to," perhaps doing this strategy called turning the other tables can work here.

That is where you literally sit back, you observe the situation. You go back to describe again and you say, "You know, I'm really wanting this from you. "You're telling me that you can't do that. "Like, what should we do here?" and asking them what their thoughts are about what a happy medium might be for the two of you.

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Wanna Control your Anger?? 5 Anger Management Tips for Teens

You already know that anger is a really useful emotion, especially if you watch my video about how my Client EXPLODED in Therapy.

I actually really love it when my kids explode in therapy, not necessarily the tension of it, but like what it represents and what it is setting up for that next phase of therapy.

But in order to do that, you have to know how to Control Your Anger.

In this video post, I’ll be sharing 5 therapist-approved tips for teens who want to control their anger.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

Tip 1: OBSERVE

In order to control your anger, you have to first observe your anger.

1. Start by noticing and naming that emotional experience.

Most of us can physically locate and notice any physical responses that we're having to anger because it doesn't always feel great. It's usually a really strong, emotional physical experience.

So if you can pause and observe what your body's signals are, that will give you some really nice key clues which also leads into the next part of observing:

2. You want to observe the patterns that are coming up for you.

Notice if you always feel angry when you hear a certain phrase, when you think a certain thought, or when you react or respond in a certain way.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

Tip 2: COPING SKILLS

Using your coping strategies will help you to manage the anger in the moment.

Many times when we're having a very strong emotional experience, we experience what's called flooding, which means that the prefrontal lobe of your brain is literally just getting tons of signals and messages of that emotional experience.

This part of your brain is used for good judgment, decision-making, and logical thinking.

Using your coping skills or strategies can help you to literally cool down when you're feeling angry so you can get back in control and make use of some of these other strategies that I'm about to get into.

Y'all know I love my coping skills and coping strategies. They are really meant to help you hang in there through the emotional experience until it's under control.

Here are some really great coping skills to use when you are feeling anger:

→ Movement. Do some stretching, dancing, even some exercise.

→ Breathing. Make sure that you're breathing in through your nose, and then even slower out of your mouth.

→ Self-soothing strategies. So remember with the first thing I said, you need to observe your anger and locate those physical responses and patterns, that's because those are gonna give you signals about what sort of coping skills to use to reverse that emotional experience.

So for myself, I happen to be somebody who gets a lump feeling in my throat when I feel really angry. And so for me, that's telling me to pause, drink some water, and then I should be able to manage and communicate a little bit easier.

Want More Coping Strategies!?

If you are wanting some more coping skills and strategies, I really recommend that you sign up for the Coping Skills Crash Course. I'm actually in the middle right now of fully updating it. So if you get in now, you're gonna get in at that very low rate before it increases in price as I add to it and amplify the program.

3. MEANING

You already know that anger is a secondary or protective emotional experience. There's often something underneath our anger that is more intense or more strong, meaning that it might be more uncomfortable than anger feels.

So anger can be protecting you from hurt, it can be protecting you from shame, it can be protecting you from embarrassment, anxiety, depression. This is one of the reasons why in teenagers, irritability and anger are considered a sign or symptoms of a Major Depressive Disorder.

So if you can pause after you have observed, use your coping skills and now try and ask yourself “What is the purpose or meaning of this anger? What is it trying to call my attention to?” 

Oftentimes, it's letting you know that whatever is happening feels really important and meaningful to you based on your current experience of the situation.

So if you can figure out what that meaning is, it will really help you with this next strategy about communicating what your anger is actually trying to help you express.

4. EXPRESS

Once you've cooled down, you've observed, you've used your coping skills, you now know why or what the meaning is, or the purpose is of your anger, you can express it in a much more meaningful and effective way that is going to help you keep and maintain healthy relationships with others.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

This is hugely important when you're a teenager because y'all are still really dependent and reliant on the adults in your life.

I mean, even when you are an adult, there is some interdependency on others, but not to the same extent as when you are a teenager.

So being able to appropriately, accurately, and effectively express your emotional experience of the situation and why that felt so strongly for you is going to:

→ help you build those relationships

→ help other people understand you

→ help other people recognize and validate your experience too.

5. ASK FOR HELP

So after you've done all of this, oftentimes it’s common to feel overwhelmed by the entire experience.

And so asking others for help, support, or guidance in how to navigate that moving forward, or what could be done differently to avoid the situation from happening again is key here.

That's why in next week's video, I'm gonna be sharing how to ask for help as a teenager. So you definitely don't wanna miss it, it's gonna be right here when it’s ready: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Therapy NOT Helping!? How to tell your therapist

So here's an unpopular opinion from a therapist….

I actually don't think that therapy is for everybody. In fact, I think that therapy can actually fail people.

People can't fail therapy, but therapy can fail people.

Now that is not to say that I don't think that therapy cannot be helpful.

In fact, I think therapy is wildly helpful!!

I would not be a mental health therapist if I didn't see positive results for my clients.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

Some Reasons Why Therapy May NOT Be Helping*…

*This is not an exhaustive list…

If you’d like a deeper dive on each of these areas, you can watch the full video on YouTube when you click this link: https://youtu.be/oN97AkVAi4c

→ VIBE CHECK

Is there mutual trust, respect, and connection?

→ SPECIALTY

Does the therapist have the training, skill, and experience/consultation with an expert in the area I need help with?

→ TIMING

Therapy requires a financial, time, and energy commitment. Does your schedule allow time for this and to keep regularly scheduled appointments? If not, you may experience a delay or regression in previous progress made in therapy.

→ READINESS

You can’t force peope to engage in therapy- it just doesn’t work. If you’re not ready for a deeper dive into therapy, it may be a sign you need to change the course, pacing or explore what’s stopping you.

→ EXPECTATIONS

Managing realistic expectations is part of the therapy process. Sometimes we think things should be going differently than they are. Talk with your therapist if what you expected from therapy isn’t what is happening in your life. Therapy is a process, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it with your therapist.

→ LIFE HAPPENS

Sometimes we start out our therapy work with one goal in mind and then life happens to throw us a curveball which sets our treatment on another path.

→ THERAPIST’S EXPERIENCE VS. CLIENT’S EXPERIENCE

Your therapist can’t know what you don’t tell or show them. If you don’t disclose the problem, even when we ask, we will believe you and assume therapy is going well.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

This is how to tell your therapist that therapy isn’t helping using DBT’s FAST skills:

FAIR

The first area that you want to consider is staying fair to yourself and to your therapist.

You want to make sure you do not assume + try not to pass judgment.

Most therapists are pretty well-intentioned and want good for our clients. I say most 'cause I can't speak for all of us. It kind of lines up that the majority of people would willingly and knowingly go into a helping profession because they actually want to help people.

So going in there with the idea that they don't like you or that they want you to fail is probably not gonna be fair to you or the therapist in that conversation.

In being fair to yourself, you want to make sure that you are coming in well-prepared. I really recommend jotting down some notes. For some reason, we can get a little anxious and forget what we were gonna say when we're around people whose opinions we care about, or if we feel that they have power or authority over something in our life circumstances.

Keeping that in mind, you can jot down some notes on your phone, on a piece of paper, you can even write it in a letter or an email and bring that with you. That's fine too.

I would also recommend coming prepared with some coping strategies. As y'all know, I love to drink water as a favorite coping strategy of mine. I almost always have something that's keeping me hydrated, especially in my therapy sessions with my clients. So you can do that too, or whatever coping strategy is gonna work well for you.

APOLOGIES

We happen to live in a culture that either encourages over-apologizing and claiming responsibility for things that are not within our control or under-apologizing because we feel embarrassed like our intention matters more than the impact of whatever it is that happened.

So I highly encourage you to check in with yourself to ask is there something that I am responsible for or need to be accountable for and perhaps own some responsibility for the hurt that I've inflicted? If so, that is an appropriate time to apologize.

Or, is this more about I feel like I need to take care of the therapist's feelings? Which please, don't worry about us. We are well taken care of. It's our responsibility ethically, legally, professionally to take care of our own feeling experience and not let that enter into the therapy room, so don't worry about our feelings, to an appropriate degree. Just don't come in like wanting to be a jerk to us, but if it happens, it happens. We can talk about it.

But yeah, like don't go out of your way to be a jerk, and if you are, yeah, apologize for that. You don't want to come in and say like sorry, this isn't working, and then not actually mean that you're sorry, or claim responsibility appropriately, or outsource blame to somebody else.

There are usually several factors that go into therapy not helping, so putting the full responsibility on yourself or the therapist probably isn't healthy either. That being said, you definitely want to stay sticking up for your values.

STICK TO YOUR VALUES

Knowing what is important for you, what your goals are, going back to that treatment plan that we've talked about, that's gonna be what guides how therapy is working and what's working and not working with therapy, or if it's time to move on to a different area of help.

When you stick to your values, it helps you stay focused on the intention, the purpose, and why you're even having this discussion.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

At the end of the day, while it is really, really great to have a healthy therapeutic relationship or alliance with your therapist, that is not the end goal of therapy.

Therapy is about helping YOU achieve your life goals.

We know as therapists going into this work that this is a very different kind of relationship. We're not gonna take it personally if you're like “you know what, I'm done with therapy,” or “you know what, I think I need a different sort of help.” That's really, really good. That's growth!! We want to see self-advocacy.

If you find yourself getting off track, check in on why are you having this discussion and what is the outcome that you want from this conversation? That will help bring you back to sticking to your values and not getting sidetracked into something else.

TELL THE TRUTH

Please don't lie to your therapist. It would be very, very hard to have us change our opinion of y'all.

I can't speak for all therapists, but I love all my clients and their families.

I think that they are superhumans. I think the fact that y'all show up each and every week and do your darndest is amazing. It takes a lot of guts and gusto to be vulnerable and be real, even in a therapy situation, so I'm proud of y'all. Your therapist is probably proud of you too.

We are not mindreaders. We can't know what we don't know. Be honest with us and let us know if there is a certain struggle that you have felt embarrassed about talking about, or there is an inner truth that you haven't said yet, or if we have done or said something that's offensive or offending to you.

Oftentimes, what gets in the way of this is clients are worried about showing up angry in therapy. They think that based on other experiences that therapists are gonna be really harsh, or mean.

To tell you the truth, I actually love it when my clients get angry in therapy. In fact, if you want to hear about a time that one of my clients exploded in therapy and how it was awesome, definitely check that out over here: https://youtu.be/iwrXVK1AoVU

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Starting Therapy? Here's What Teens Can Expect

Congratulations! You did it.

You are on your way to starting therapy! 🎉

Now that can feel a little bit scary when you're first starting out, especially if you haven't had a good therapy experience in the past, you're feeling a little embarrassed about having to return to therapy, or you might be somebody who has never gone to therapy before.

Actual therapy sessions are quite different than what they show in movies and television shows. The misrepresentation of what therapy is like, especially for teenagers is why I created the YouTube channel.

As an actual mental health therapist, I help teens start and complete therapy every day. It's one of my favorite things. So I figured, why not tell you what to expect when you’re starting therapy as a teenager?

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

Before Your First Therapy Appointment

You need to have a conversation with your parents about the fact that you want to start therapy.

If you're not sure how to start that conversation, I have several videos on the topics that you can check out in this playlist on YouTube here: How to Talk To Your Parents About Your Mental Health Struggles + Get Help!

Here are some basic things that you wanna think about as you prepare to ask your parents for therapy:

→ What is it that you are hoping to get from therapy?

→ What have you already tried?

→ How are you being negatively impacted now? So how is your sleep, your appetite, your school grades, your relationships?

Thinking about these things may help your parents understand a little bit more about why you would be wanting the help of a mental health therapist for whatever concern you're struggling with. It will also help make sure that they link you up with a therapist who actually specializes in the area that you're hoping to get help with.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

Your First Therapy Session

Therapy is not one size fits all, which is where that first appointment comes in.

We call this first therapy session a Client Assessment. It’s is where the therapist is getting to know you, your feedback, your experience, and your hopes and desires for what you are hoping to get out of therapy. They are not only assessing what your symptoms are and how severe the problem is, they're also trying to assess if they're a good fit for your needs.

During that very first appointment, your therapist is going to ask you a ton of personal questions. You have the right to decline to answer anything that you are not comfortable answering, though they may stay curious and ask a little bit more about why your choosing not to answer.

I would be wary about being too guarded in that first appointment because that therapist isn't going to get a good assessment of your needs, but ultimately, it's your life, your therapy. You get what you put in. It's really up to you about how much you wanna disclose in that very first therapy appointment.

During that Client Assessment, your therapist will ask you things about your:

→ family

→ school or job if you have one

→ relationships with friends or romantic

→ interests and what you do for fun.

You’ll also be asked some safety questions, like, have you ever thought about dying? What have you done when you've considered these thoughts? Have you ever hurt yourself or anyone else?

Your therapist will also assess for any risk of neglect or abuse. It should be noted that many therapists are ethically and legally obligated to report any suspicions or evidence of abuse and neglect to the appropriate people. Now, when you are in that under age category, sometimes not always, it might mean cluing in your parents or your legal guardian. Now that varies situation to situation and case by case, and also state by state. So if you're not sure you can look up the laws in your area.

The Client Assessment is also your first opportunity to interview the therapist directly and see if they're a good fit for you.

Just because somebody might have the right skill set or expertise if you guys are not vibing or there's just not that mutual respect or trust that your desire, it might be a good thing to stay curious and hang in there for a few sessions. Though if you know it's not a good fit, there's no need to force it.

There are lots of therapy opportunities out there. I am not the only therapist in town, thank goodness, because there are only so many hours in the day and if you've ever tried to schedule anything, you know it can be a little bit like scheduling Tetris.

Finding a therapist you vibe with is a little bit like dating. Just because you're on a first date with somebody, doesn't automatically mean that you must now spend your entire life and marry them. That'd be a little weird, unless you're doing like married at first sight or a matchmaking sort of a situation. That's a totally different thing because you're going in there with that expectation.

But when it comes to linking up with a therapist, we are not expecting you to need therapy forever. We really want you to get better and have an opportunity to move on from therapy.

Not only does that help you feel good, it helps us feel good too, which is where the treatment plan comes in.

Your Treatment Plan

After you've had that first appointment, you're gonna develop your treatment plan with your new therapist.

Your Treatment Plan is what actually guides your therapy and treatment. It lets us know:

→ Are we on track?

→ Has life happened and there's a new curveball that we need to consider?

→ Is this working, is it not?

→ Are you getting better?

→ Are things getting worse?

→ What might be contributing to that?

It's really meant to be used as a guide or a tool to check-in that you are on the same page as your therapist, and if you're under 18, are your parents on the same page too? Especially if they're going to be bringing you to your therapy appointments and paying for your therapy. They're gonna wanna know that they're getting a good return on their investment.

The treatment plan is a really great way to show and have that conversation. We know that having goals actually specified and written down where we can reference back later has been proven over and over again to be helpful in achieving those goals or maintaining progress on those goals, which is another reason why we have that treatment plan to help guide our therapy progress.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

Now, just because something is on the treatment plan or not on the treatment plan does not mean that you can or cannot discuss it in therapy.

We totally understand and get that life happens.

Unless you are in an actual therapy model study where you have to be really strict with the protocol, many of us are flexible when it comes to life happening.

For example, let’s imagine you come in for your session and you got a bad grade on a test and it's really upsetting you. But we had on the treatment plan that we were going to talk about your relationship with your mother. Very few therapists are gonna go, "oh, you know, that really sucks about your test, but we gotta talk about Mom."

UNLESS you are somebody who comes in every week with what we call a crisis of the week.

Sometimes that's a signal that there's just a lot of chaos happening around you and the circumstances, and we might need to kind of pivot and figure out how can we clear out and manage some of that so we can get to some of that deeper level stuff that's gonna have the bigger impact. It might also be a signal that coming in with a different crisis or chaos is actually keeping you from avoiding the real reason that you're coming in for help with therapy.

And, of course, the treatment plan is also an opportunity for you to check in and assess, is my therapist giving me what I need? It's really important to communicate with your therapist. We are not mind readers, we definitely are experts in human behavior and thinking, and emotional problems and solutions for those.

In fact, therapy is one of those weird places where you can actually talk to your therapist about how hard it is to talk to your therapist about certain topics. I know, it's totally weird. It's a little meta It's actually really cool though. And we want to know, we want these discussions.

If you are having problems with that, definitely make sure that you subscribe to the YouTube channel because next week's video is gonna be how to have that conversation with your therapist when therapy isn't helping.

Parental Involvement

I happen to be a mental health therapist that specializes in working with teenagers and young adults so I know how important it is to have parental involvement for the optimal outcome.

That's because when you are a teenager, you're still learning and growing, and your home environment is definitely impacted by your family and vice versa. It's really important to have them involved, or at least on the same page about what's going on in your life in a useful and helpful, healthy way.

Now I am NOT a family therapist. Very rarely will I actually have parents come in for a therapy session. I think it gets a little bit messy, especially because the therapy style that I do is with the teenager.

I very much am of the mindset that if I can teach the teenager how to have these conversations with their parents and loved ones, then that'll have a nice little trickle effect rather than using me as a communicator or interpreter. That gets awful because heaven forbid, I miscommunicate or misinterpret something. It's not really helping the teenager communicate or the parent communicate with their teenager.

A few ways that I like to include parents in the therapy process is by periodically, usually on a quarterly basis, sending them a request for their observations at home about any progress or struggles that they're seeing with their teenager.

Not only does this help facilitate the conversation around checking in and increasing mindfulness and awareness, but it also goes back to that treatment plan that we talked about and see, okay, is this working? Is this not working? Why or why not? What could we be doing differently? And maybe it's time to complete and move on from therapy, which is also a really cool discussion to have.

I also happen to offer phone call sessions for 15 minutes spot checks or questions if parents need to get in contact with me outside of that therapy appointment.

Now it is so important that you know how to communicate with your parents and your therapist about a variety of difficult topics that usually lead to talking to a therapist. If you're struggling with knowing how to talk to your parents about the things that come up in therapy, I have some great videos that you can check out right over here: How to Talk To Your Parents About Your Mental Health Struggles + Get Help!

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Feeling ANGRY? Therapists LOVE to see it- here's why

One of my favorite experiences as a therapist for teens is when my teens get angry in therapy.

Yessss- I freaking love it!!

I know parents don't always love and appreciate it, but it lets me know that we are getting to the good stuff.

Let me break it down for you in this video post…

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

STORYTIME - the time my client got really angry in session

Way back when I was a new social worker, I worked at a residential facility for teenagers, and let me tell you, many of them did not really want to be there working with a therapist on a weekly basis.

So enter me: bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, Mallory!!

I was pleasantly surprised one day when I was working with a teenager who actually wanted to be doing the work and appreciated the help that we were offering him. He was super motivated, always ready to go, always invested.

So imagine my surprise, when I had to break the bad news to him, that his parole officer was denying a home pass for a weekend. He was angry!! I had never seen him like this before- he totally exploded. He stood up really fast, was yelling at me and I could see the red on his neck.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

Most people at this point in the story would either cringe with fear or anxiety and be a little confused. Or they would get angry right back and be like, "How dare you yell at me? I am going to yell right back at you." 'Cause a lot of times we just don't know how to deal with anger in the moment.

Anger can be really scary and threatening.

I reacted differently. I literally sat back in my chair and I just smiled real big 'cause I knew we were getting to the good stuff.

*Of course, I did the good therapy thing and I let him safely express his anger. I set limits and expectations, and then we talked about it once that initial anger storm was over. We were able to get right back into the swing of things….

ANGER IS A SUPER EMOTION

If you didn't know already, is usually not a really comfortable emotional experience. It can be really intense and strong and part of that is it's meant to be protective. It's trained to protect us from some deeper pain, hurt, or a more intensely uncomfortable emotion that we are experiencing.

Even though anger in and of itself doesn't always feel great, it can offer a distraction or some time and space away from the real deeper hurt if it's too painful to acknowledge and experience in the moment. That's a pretty cool benefit of anger.

The thing is that when it gets too strong, or too in the way then we never actually deal with the underlying pain and hurt and that's not good. That's where therapy can really help.

There are three things that I really love about anger:

Anger Can Help Notice + Acknowledge Your Deeper Feelings

Once you are able to notice the anger, you can also check in about it like, "Huh, what is this anger trying to help protect me from?"

Then you can make a conscientious, mindful wise decision for yourself about whether you need some time and distance away from that pain and hurt still.

So you might want to use some coping strategies, or maybe you need to dig in and stop avoiding this on a safe level (again, therapy is great for this!).

Anger Can Help: Motivate You To Take Action + Change

Anger isn't meant to be comfortable. It's not something that we're meant to experience over a long period of time.

When you start feeling that anger and that discomfort and irritation from the anger, I really encourage you not to sit in it too long because as you know as human beings, we like things to stay the same. So if we continue to stay angry, then we start thinking like, "Oh, we're supposed to be angry." And then we create that homeostasis for ourselves and that's not great.

But if you can sit with it a little bit and try to see, "Okay, what can I do differently, to either change the way I think, change the way I feel, or maybe take some action to create some change in my life or in the world around me, to move in a more pleasant emotional experience?"

When you can create a more positive, more pleasant emotional experience for yourself that anger can decrease.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

So sometimes that's not always something that's within our control and that's quite all right, but we can do things to kind of ease the discomfort.

For example, in the United States of America, when you are underage you legally have to go to school. It's often not something that many people look forward to on a daily basis. Maybe some days 'cause there are some pleasant things about school too like getting to see your friends, or getting that degree so that you can go on to the job or career that you want after high school. But usually on a day-to-day basis, we don't really love it.

When you can tap into, “Okay, what is it that this is making me angry about? Maybe I feel angry that my grades aren't where they need to be at and that is really painful because I need certain grades to get into a certain college program because that's the path that I wanna take to the career that I want after high school.”

Totally makes sense that you'd be frustrated and angry about that. Maybe a little hurt, maybe a little upset or disappointed. That's quite all right.

Some things that you could do to ease that pain and anxiety might be to consider what can you do to get through today's boring assignments so that you can achieve that goal.

Or it could be creating fun while doing it, like turning it into a game, maybe you can bundle it with some music or some YouTube videos. Eh? Whatever is gonna help ease that stress.

Anger Can Help: Communicate What’s Important To You

So oftentimes when we feel anger, it's because something is happening that we don't like, or that we don't think should be happening.

Ask yourself these 3 questions:

→ Why is this important?

→ Is it important to me?

→ Is it important to someone else?

And then, we can start to see where you can communicate what we would like to be different, or you might be able to sit and manage your expectations.

So I don't know if you know this but when it comes to anger in teenagers, that can actually be a sign of depression. So I've got a really great video for you right over here if you're feeling depressed and you wanna talk to your parents about it, I highly recommend it: https://youtu.be/KTMgOVlls8s

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Friendship Breakup!? Do this to get closure + let go

We've been talking a lot about friendships:

→ Is Your Friendship Healthy?

→ When is it time to END the Friendship?

→ Are you in a Toxic Relationship?

and many, many more…

So, now, it's time to talk about what to do after the friendship breakup in order to take care of your own mental health care needs.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

GENTLE REMINDERS

For this exercise, I want you to write two different letters. But before you do, I want to put this disclaimer out there:

🚨This is not a letter to send to anybody.🚨

This is for your own mental health usage.

These letters are meant to help you gain insight, clarity, and healing. It is not meant to actually be sent to anybody. So, make sure that if you are doing this on a digital platform or even in a pen and paper notebook, that it's somewhere where you can either destroy the evidence or make sure it is not linked to the cloud.

I've had issues with teenagers before that, where they have written something that's meant to be private and suddenly, their sister has seen it and it's caused a huge amount of issues which could have been prevented and avoided had they just taken these precautions.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

RELEASE LETTER

Okay, so the very first letter that I want you to write is called a release letter.

In this letter, I want you to literally write a letter to the person releasing all your thoughts, ideas, feelings, and opinions about the situation and about what you wish was different- include anything that you wish that you could say to them.

Remember, this is NOT being sent to the person so you can let loose.

In my release letters, I tend to have a lot of anger and choice words. Your release letter might look a little bit different. These are things that I probably would never say to the person because it's mean, it's hurtful, it's vindictive, but it does feel really darn good to just release it and get it out.

In this letter, you're gonna go ahead and write a letter to the person releasing all your thoughts, your feelings, opinions, your experience, anything that you wish that you could say to them without any negative repercussions.

You're gonna imagine that when they receive this letter, they're going to completely understand and get your viewpoint.

Take a few moments and write your release letter now.

WELCOME BACK!

You are almost ready for part two. Before we get onto the second letter, I want you to reread your response letter. If you can actually read this out loud, that's really great because it cues another sensory experience while you are reviewing this exercise.

If you really wanna amplify it, read it to yourself looking in the mirror, it's pretty cool.

Notice how you feel as you are reading this letter, think about what in this letter is important to you, and if you would want to or need to communicate to somebody.

What's really great about a release letter is it can give you a little bit of clarity and guidance about what the important pieces of the information are that you wanna communicate to somebody if you so desire or choose to communicate.

You might not and I'll get to that in part two. But for now, this will give you a little guidance about the important parts, so you can take the intensity of the emotion out. You don't wanna take the emotion totally out of the letter or out of the communication because your emotions and your feelings are important, but you don't want it to be so intense or so loud that that's all that they're experiencing. You still wanna get that information out there.

RESPONSE LETTER

Now, you are ready for the second letter, and that is called a response letter.

A response letter is where you are writing a second letter responding to your first letter from that person's viewpoint.

You're not gonna actually consider how they would really respond. You're going to write it as though they were giving you the exact response that you needed to feel better or different about the situation.

Imagine that this person has received your original letter and they have totally gotten it, they are on the same page, and now they are giving you the response that you so desire.

Go ahead and write that letter now.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

WELCOME BACK!

I am so happy that you have written both of those letters.

You might be noticing a little bit of ease. You might be noticing some discomfort. These letters tend to bring out a few different emotional experiences.

Take some time with yourself and these letters as you need.

Now, you're ready for the next step, which is you're going to go ahead and reread through that response letter now.

Again, if you want to amplify it you can read your letters out loud or looking into a mirror. Some people who have actually recorded a voice memo and played it back to them, which is pretty interesting and cool.

So, get a little creative and fun with this, whatever you need to do.

HEAL + LET GO

As you are rereading that response letter, I want you to think about how that makes you feel and consider if this person is capable of such a response?

Maybe they are and they just haven't been informed that that's the kind of response you're looking for.

Or maybe you have tried to communicate this a few different times and you're like, "You know what? I got to cut my losses where they're at." And they're just not there yet.

It is NOT your job or responsibility to get them there!!

This is a huge misconception that I see over and over again with the teens that I work with. It is not your job to fix or up-level anybody, except for yourself and that's only if you want to. You are not even required to up-level yourself. Mind-blowing, right?

Okay, now that you have your release letter and your response letter, go ahead and read through them together and consider:

1. Does this make me feel any differently about myself?

2. Does this make me feel any differently about the situation?

3. Does this make me feel any differently about the person that I have written these letters to and from?

You want to also think about, is this important to communicate? What is the outcome that I'm trying to achieve here? Is it to repair or mend the friendship? Is it to make them hurt as badly as I hurt? Is this healthy or is this a toxic pattern that I'm engaging in?

You may decide after writing these release and response letters that you feel differently about the friendship and maybe you wanna give it one more go or perhaps it gives you a little more clarity and certainty that no, it was definitely time to end that friendship. Either way, this is a really emotional stuff.

I want you to, when you are totally done with these letters, go ahead and express gratitude and thanks for the information, and guidance, and clarity that they have given you and DESTROY them!

Go ahead and tear them up, rip them up. If we were in my office, I would have you shred them.

Destroy the Evidence.

Trust me, you will feel so much better, and get that head trash out, and you can make a room for some more goodness and healthy relationships in your life.

Now, this stuff is really hard and taxing on your emotional energy and focus and so, I wanna make sure that you are taking good care of yourself.

Whenever there is a friendship breakup, it is so important to take care of your self-care needs. So, if you need a little guidance with that, you can check out this video right over here: Wanna UPGRADE Your Mental Health? TRY These 10 Daily SELF-CARE Tips #WithMe

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

Self Care #WithMe | 10 Daily Habits to Upgrade Your Mental Health

I'm a mental health therapist and I want you to

Steal My Self-Care!

These are 10 daily habits that I do that help upgrade my own mental health.

You can make these incremental upgrades on your own as well.

Now, there's no need to do all of these and you might wanna personalize or adjust them to your needs. That's totally A-okay.

I want you to do what you know aligns with what you need.

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

1. DRINK WATER

This is the very first thing that I do every single day.

I tend to be very thirsty when I wake up and water, as you know, is one of my favorite coping strategies already.

Not only does it keep me healthy, focused, motivated, and well-hydrated, it also helps to literally cool me down in times of stress.

When I get really frustrated or feel very strongly or passionately about something important to me, I happen to be somebody who literally heats up or gets like a lump in my throat. So drinking water allows me to take a pause while I take a sip so that I can think about what it is that I wanna say or do next.

2. MOVE MY BODY

Y’all know I love to move my body. So moving your body helps you move and adjust your mind and your mindset.

When you move your body, you can actually change the way you feel.

It's really, really great for your overall physical and mental health.

There are a few different ways that I like to move my body:

→ Yoga

→ Shake it out

→ Dance around by myself

→ Side stretch or bend

If I'm really in a crunch, I'll actually move where I sit in sessions, so sometimes I move around the room.

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

3. EAT BREAKFAST

Now, when I was in high school, I used to totally skip this and that was a mistake! I'm going to really encourage you not to do that.

I eat breakfast almost every single day now. On days when I eat my breakfast, I tend to be much more productive and helpful to my clients and myself.

Y'all already know that when I am hungry, I am quite the monster.

So starting my day off with fuel and nutritious fuel helps keep me keep it going strong throughout the day as well. I noticed that my attention and my focus and my energy throughout the day are just stronger. 

 It really helps me just be a better therapist and a better human being. 

4. BUFFER TIME + BIO BREAKS

It used to really, really stress me out when I had too much fun on my schedule.

I know that's weird. But I would be like, "Oh, my gosh, when will I have time for me?"

So now, I literally create white space on my calendar. I have about 15 minutes blocks of wiggle room or buffer time in between my clients. And I make sure that there's at least one, if not more, day(s) throughout the week where I don't have any other additional plans or scheduled plans with friends or family.

Now, if something were to come up that day and somebody invites me and I'm feeling like, "Ooh, yeah, let's do this," I might go ahead and do that. But I'm not pre-committing or overcommitting myself ahead of time. 

With buffer time also comes bio breaks. Bio breaks are where you take a few moments to attend to your physiological needs:

→ So this is taking a moment to grab a drink.

→ This is eating a snack or a meal if it's mealtime.

→ It is moving your eyes away from the screen for a few moments.

→ Or using the bathroom to relieve yourself.

Attending to all of these biological factors really helps you not take up so much time, energy, and focus delaying those tasks. And it helps with your self-care as well.

I noticed that when I stop taking breaks or I ignore my biological needs, I actually do worse.

5. WALK THE PUP

Now, y'all know I love my pup, Princess. She's a cutie patootie and she brings me so much joy!

One of the ways that she's really helped to upgrade my self-care is by walking her daily. Well, twice a day because I actually walk her once in the morning and once in the evening.

Having that time just the two of us is really special.

→ It helps me stay mindful.

→ It helps us stay connected.

→ It also makes sure that I get outside and get some fresh air every day.

If you have a pup, I highly recommend taking them on walks.

Not only will it be good for you, but it'll also be good for them too.

6. GET FULLY DRESSED

Now, with the pandemic and working from home, I will tell you, it was really hard to maintain this strategy for self-care, but it has made a huge, huge difference in making sure that I stay focused and stay on top of my day.

Every day I make sure that I get dressed. Even if it is literally like I'm staying at home that day, I’ll still change out of one pair of pajamas into another pair of pajamas.

When it's a workday and I'm actually going to be seeing clients, I actually get dressed from head to toe. Not just the top part, but even my pants and my shoes as well.

You know, they say to dress for the job that you want. I say, to dress for the mood you want.

So if I wanna stay focused and attentive, I'm gonna go ahead and dress that way as well.

7. RESET THE ROOM

Resetting the room means putting things back to how it was before you leave the room. So if I move or use something in a room, before I leave the room, I make sure to reset it the way it was before I left.

This strategy was a HUGE game-changer for me!!

This saves me a ton of time and energy when it comes to decluttering and cleaning. Everyone in my house does this as well and it's a huge help moving forward.

Now, this might be something difficult that if you're not already starting off with a really well-organized or clean room, it might be hard to do, so just start resetting certain aspects of your room.

Over time, you will get there and achieve that goal.

8. REFLECT

Every day, I take time to pause and reflect.

Usually, I’ll do this through journaling or meditation, or just mindfully silently to myself, expressing gratitude throughout the day.

When you pause and reflect on what's working and what's not working, it really helps you notice the patterns that are contributing to whatever mood you tend to find yourself in.

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

So if it's something that you wanna keep going, like you feel really relaxed and calm and peaceful, pausing to notice and reflect and stay mindful about what's contributing to that mood will help you recreate that in the future.

If it's an unsavory or unpleasant or uncomfortable experience, then it will let you know what to avoid in the future as well.

*That's how I learned that hunger is one of my emotional vulnerabilities. So now I make sure that I stay well-fed and fueled throughout the day.

9. CONNECT + CELEBRATE WITH OTHERS

When you find something that works for you, I highly recommend that you connect and celebrate it with others.

So before, I know I said that I don't tend to overcommit or pre-commit to different social obligations or events. But I still make sure that I stay connected with my loved ones and my trusted friends to let them know what's going well in my life.

I also wanna hear what's going well with you, too. I love celebrating with people and I love connecting with people.

It's one of the things that I think helps me do so well as a human being and as a mental health therapist.

It's also one of the reasons that I really love running my Teen Growth Therapy Groups.

When we can connect and celebrate with others, whatever it is that we're working on and achieving, it feels awesome.

10. JUST FOR ME

Now, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you also do something that's just for you. I tend to do something just for me every single day, whether that is drinking my cup of coffee, it might be watching a TV show that I'm interested in, or maybe it is taking a detox bath at the end of the day.

I love just taking a few moments just for me and no one else.

It doesn't have to be extravagant or crazy luxurious. But doing something that's just for you and no one else can be really, really great for upgrading your mental health with your self-care.

If you wanna take your self-care to the next level and practice with me, you can do that by following along with some of the mindfulness practices in this playlist right over here: https://youtu.be/-ecJXpCVR2E

We've got things like body scans, meditations, loving-kindness. Go ahead and check it out.

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨

WARNING!! It's time to END the friendship 🚩

Knowing when to stay or end the friendship is NOT a simple decision.

Especially when you’re a teenager because you’re all trying to figure out who you are, what’s important to you, and how to communicate that clearly and kindly with each other.

I’m all for trying to give friendships a chance to repair and improve….

But sometimes you gotta know when it’s time to walk away.

Asking yourself these 7 questions can help you notice red flags that it’s time to END the friendship.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

🔔Subscribe here for MORE videos that help teens struggling with mental health: mallorygrimste.com/youtube

Now, it's really important to remember throughout all of these questions and these red flags that they are flags for consideration.

They don't necessarily mean an absolute end of the friendship, especially when it comes to teenagers.

Ask yourself these 7 questions, then notice and communicate any red flags in your friendships:

🚩 Can they accept Responsibility?

If they are having a really difficult time accepting responsibility for their participation or contribution to an outcome or an action, that's a red flag that you wanna consider.

So if they are having trouble accepting responsibility or accountability, you might wanna check in with them - with kindness, empathy, and curiosity- and ask them about what's getting in the way of that:

😳 They may feel embarrassed.

🙈 They might feel intimidated.

🤷‍♀️ They might not just have the awareness of the impact of their actions yet.

Being clear and kind and direct in your communication is going to be really, really helpful in potentially salvaging this friendship.

Then if they are still continuing to have difficulty accepting responsibility or outsourcing blame, that might be the time to end the friendship,

🚩 Do they Listen?

Listening is not as simple as staying quiet while somebody's talking. I’m talking about actively listening and participating in your conversations.

👋 Do they check in?

💡 Do they ask for clarification?

🙅‍♀️ If they agree or disagree, do they tell you that?

Friendship is not a one-sided venture.

You need both people to participate in that conversation.

That includes letting the other person say what they need to say and seeking understanding and clarification before we share our own thoughts and opinions on the situation.

Here are some really great ways you can practice listening:

→ Literally, stay quiet

→ Ask permission if it’s OK to ask a question

→ Respond and ask questions to gain understanding, not try to prove a point

LIKE THIS VIDEO POST? I’D LOVE FOR YOU TO FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST AND PIN IT FOR LATER!

🚩 Are they Abusive?

So abuse is a really direct strong term, but it's probably not always accurately applied. I actually think it's underapplied in a lot of situations.

We tend to excuse abuse because it's familiar. Abusiveness is when somebody intentionally or unintentionally causes harm or damage to another person. And so when it comes to abuse, there are a few different categories that this can fall in. This is not a comprehensive list, but this could be financial, emotional, intellectual, sexual.

We need to talk about DIGITAL ABUSE

Now, one of the types of abuse that doesn't get talked about as often as I think it should, especially when it comes to teenagers is digital abuse.

Digital abuse is constant texting, location tracking, breaking into your password-protected accounts without your permission.

Now, this is not the same as your parents monitoring your digital usage or social media. That's a little bit different. That's not necessarily abusive- that might just be parenting. I'm talking about a friend or romantic interest who might be doing this.

Digital abuse can also cross the line into sexual abuse when somebody is either sending you pornographic requests or imagery without your permission or consent. Now, in the United States of America, when somebody is under age or under the age of consent and they are participating on either end of this, that becomes an issue for the FBI. There are some legal considerations there as well.

It's not as simple as "Oh, I said it was okay "and I gave them permission." And honestly, trust me, there's really no rush. As you grow older, you will be able to explore your sexuality and identity in lots of safe, responsible ways.

Plus, you never know where your digital footprint is going to land. Just because something is deleted or removed or sent privately doesn't necessarily mean that it's totally private on the internet. There are lots of ways around that. I think we all know that by now.

🚩 Do they Include you?

Oftentimes when we are younger, we develop friendships of circumstance:

• Did you share a class together?

• Were they your neighbor?

• Are your parents friends with each other?

Those friendships can definitely grow and deepen as we grow older and discover more about who we are, our interests and our values, but that's not always the case. As you get older, you wanna check in if they still including us? And are you including them in your discovery, growth and social circles?

WANT TO REMEMBER THESE TIPS? DON’T FORGET TO PIN IT!

If you find that you are always the person being left out, or you're not included in the group chats, that's something to potentially address with your friend.

If it's worth salvaging the friendship you might try this: "Hey, I don't know if you noticed, but I wasn't included on that group chat. Can you add me in?"

It might be a little awkward, not gonna lie. Usually, it is, especially when you're learning how to do all this stuff. But it will be well worth it, especially if this is a true friend that's worth growing together with. They may just not be aware of the impact of their actions on you. And they might take for granted that because you've always been there that you will continue always being there, no matter how they treat you.

We teach others how to treat us.

So go ahead and communicate and start the conversation.

🚩 Can you spend time Apart?

Now, when it comes to spending time together, it's also really important to spend time apart.

So is this person able to handle and tolerate not spending all of their free time with you? And can you handle that, too?

It is so important to know how to spend time with our friends, but how to spend time with ourselves as well.

It's also really great to have different friend groups that you can connect with. Having a diverse group of friends with different viewpoints or interests will help expand your own interests and ability to connect and communicate with others, which, isn't that really cool?

🚩 Do you feel Comfortable?

Your physical responses will alert you to any potential toxicity in your friendship dynamic. Do you feel comfortable in your body when you are near them or when you think about them? Or do you feel unpleasant or uncomfortable?

That discomfort is usually trying to tell you that something is happening that doesn't quite align with your values or what's important to you. Now, this could mean something for yourself, or it could mean something with the relationship.

Let’s talk about toxic relationships and friendships for a moment. So I think it's really important to apply those terms appropriately. I hate it when we talk about people as toxic. Very rarely are people themselves toxic or poisonous, but the dynamic or the relationship can become toxic if there are some of these red flags present.

Notice any discomfort and get curious about it. Start asking questions about why does this matter? Does it matter to me, does it matter to them? And see what floats up for you.

This can give you some information so you can have that direct conversation with them about what's bothering you and what you would like to be different.

You might even discover that some of the toxicity in your relationship is a direct result of your own problematic contribution.

Working with a therapist can be really useful and helpful for checking in on what are we responsible for versus what are they responsible for, in a way that's really safe and useful and helpful for your treatment progress and life goals. I happen to be very partial to group therapy because I think it's a great way to learn different skills and practice them in vivo in a supportive, safe community. But that's just me….

🚩 Are you Afraid to Speak Your Truth?

If you find yourself having difficulty speaking up and sharing your truth with others, especially your friends, then you wanna check in on what is stopping you and what is feeding that fear.

I offer a great guided self-help program that can help you identify and communicate what’s important to you called Speak Your Truth. You can learn more about this program and how to join by clicking the image below.

---

---

IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1-800-273-8255

✨ Call 24/7 ✨